The Most Recent Topics (limited to 100)

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21
I failed my final exam on Greek mythology.
Posted September 25, 2017, 07:27 by Mave in Jokes
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It's always been my Achilles elbow
22
I was breastfed until 3
Posted September 25, 2017, 07:26 by Mave in Jokes
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But enough about my day, how was yours?
23
I was forced to swallow purple food color.
Posted September 21, 2017, 01:08 by Mave in Jokes
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I feel violated.
24
I keep getting hit by the same bike, at the same time and place, day after day..
Posted September 18, 2017, 05:16 by Mave in Jokes
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It's a vicious cycle.
25
Sometimes I hide my girlfriend's inhaler
Posted September 18, 2017, 05:15 by Mave in Jokes
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So the neighbors think I'm a stud when they hear her panting, "Give it to me!"
26
I will never forget my sons' first words
Posted September 17, 2017, 03:43 by Mave in Jokes
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Where the fuck have you been for 16 years?
27
I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn’t show.
Posted September 14, 2017, 03:34 by Mave in Jokes
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I hope she gets the message that we’re not working out.
28
Yo mama's so fat
Posted September 10, 2017, 01:05 by Mave in Jokes
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She went out in high heels and came back in flip flops
29
An old Russian Communist is on his deathbed
Posted September 07, 2017, 06:54 by Mave in Jokes
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His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says,

"Vasya, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh, no worries buddy." says Vasya.

The Communist then turns to another friend.

"Petya, remember being sentenced in 1937 to 25 years in the gulag? Well, it was me who went to the NKVD. Please forgive me."

"No hard feelings, my friend. You are forgiven" says Petya.

"Misha, I must confess to you that I had you sent to the penal battalion in 1942. I am terribly sorry about that day."

"Please my friend, we all forgive you. You may go in peace" says Misha.

"Thank you so much guys for being with me throughout all these years" says the old communist with a tear streaming down his face. "I don't know where I'd be if it wasn't for you. I never knew you loved me that much despite me being a stool pigeon."

His friends are visibly touched by his words. Finally, gathers his last strength and says.

"And in honor of our deep friendship I want you to fulfill my last wish. See that cactus plant on the windowsill? As soon as I die, I want you to take it and shove it up my ass."

Just as his friends were about to say something, the old communist took his last breath and died.

So Petya rushes to the window, takes the cactus plant off and together they shove it up their dead friend's butt. Suddenly, the friends hear a loud banging on the door followed by a gruff voice shouting:

"Open up, it's the police. We've received information that an old Bolshevik has been tortured to death."
30
Two men are in a pub...
Posted September 07, 2017, 06:53 by Mave in Jokes
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“I want to kill my wife”, says one.
“Why not ask Arti, over there”, says the other man, pointing to a man at the fruit-machine. “Arti over there is a top hitman” the friend goes on.

So the man approaches Arti. “Are you Arti the hitman?” asks the man. “Sure am”, replies Arti. “You couldn’t murder my wife for me, could you?” asks the man. “I can”, replies Arti, “And you know, I promised my Master, who taught me the noble art of assassination, that I would do my one hundredth kill for a fee of just one pound, and give the client two further kills for free”. “Great”, says the man”could you kill my wife, her sister and my mother in law”. “OK”, replies Arti. “Get them to go to Tesco’s tomorrow at 10.00am”. “Right”, says the man.

The following day the man’s wife, her sister and his mother-in-law are tricked by the man to go to Tesco’s. In walks Arti and in no time at all he strangles the wife, her sister and mother-in-law. All the newspapers lead with the same headline the following day – Arti chokes three for a pound at Tesco’s.
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